My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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