I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
