Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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