Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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