The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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