i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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