you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
