i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
