I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
