I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
people are starting to question the shark bite story
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
