We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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