Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
