The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
