my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
