i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
