Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
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Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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