The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
