i think my tv is drunk
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
