I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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