Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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