Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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