I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
