I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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