Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
