I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
