I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
