i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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