Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
