I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
