she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
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