My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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