He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
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Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
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Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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