The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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