Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
