just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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