Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
