I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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