You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize