Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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