I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
