her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
