i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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