On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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