The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
