got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
