Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
