even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
