I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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