and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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