Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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