im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
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Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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