Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
