Non-Jews are for practice
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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