my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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