Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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