i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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