I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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