its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
