Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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