We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
