we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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