Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
