At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL