Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
