my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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