So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
